awakeforthedance's Blog

Feelin' Jason Isbell's tunes today.  Trying to finish admin work before my afternoon client -- not into work.  Tedious reports not holding my attention.  Restless.  Blue.  

 

Don't roll away that stone, girl
Leave it where it lay
You think he's coming home but you know it's not today
I think the road will break me and never fill the holes,
but every time I'm saved I stop beating out a soul

I'm too scared to ask the right questions
and too tired to fill the right shoes
so I'll take advantage of the blues
I'll take advantage of the blue

There really ain't no difference
in Michigan and Maine

If you ain't here to see this I'm missing just the same
Your skin as soft as water, same temperature as me
I'd never know I touched you if you didn't let me see

I'd crawl to meet you if you'd just stay there,
and finally have a thing I couldn't bear to lose
So I'll take advantage of the blues
I'll take advantage of the blue

Mark me up so they can see the best of me
Hold me down so I can't find a drink
Dance so I don't have to think

I am reading The Places that Scare You by Pema Chodron.  

Amazing.  Timely.  Perfect.  

Life amazes me.  I am on this path, experiencing things, feeling things -- and then to read a book and feel validated is just... amazing.  No other word.  Last night I was overcome by fears -- it was a real energy that was tangibly felt throughout my body.  That choking feeling, that suffocating feeling.  Restlessness.  It wasn't "insomnia" and I don't need a pill to fix it -- it's something I am going through right now - something my spirit is going through.  In that moment I just gave in to it --- "I am powerless to this fear" -- I just felt it.  Sat with it --- acknowledged it -- all night.  

I decided today to start reading this book that I bought a couple weeks ago and hadn't gotten to yet and I am BLOWN away by what I find.   Maybe some part of me knew this would be coming -- and that's why I bought the book when I did.  I found it from a quote on the internet someone shared that just gripped my heart.  Amazing.. not to mention, last night I prayed "change me... guide me."  

Anyway..... 

I will share some passages I am "sitting with" for now... letting bloom in me.. using to practice as I move foward with life:  All quotes are Pema Chodron's from her book.  Don't steal them without crediting her.  

“A further sign of health is that we don't become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us. ”

"openness doesn't come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well." 

"Finding the courage to go to the places that scare us cannot happen without compassionate inquiry into the workings of ego." 

"Those who train wholeheartedly in awakening unconditional and relative bodhichitta are called bodhisattvas or warriors -- not warriors who kill and harm but warriors of nonaggression who hear the cries of the world.  These are men and women who are willing to train in the middle of the fire.  Training in the middle of the fire can mean that warrior-bodhisattvas enter challenging situations in order to alleviate suffering.  It also refers to their willingness to cut through personal reactivity and self deception, to their dedication to uncovering the basic undistorted energy of bodhichitta............(she shared examples of people we know.. MLK, Mother Teresa, etc..)  .... they recognize that the greatest harm comes from  our own aggressive minds.  They devoted their lives to helping others understand this truth.  There are also ordinary people who spend their lives training in opening their hearts and minds in order to help others do the same.  Like them, we could learn to relate to ourselves and our world as warriors.  We could train in awakening our courage and love."  

"we can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe.  But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty.  This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it's also what makes us afraid."  

"Bodhichitta training offers no promise of happy endings.  Rather, this "I" who wants to find security - who wants something to hold on to - can finally learn to grow up.  The central question of a warrior's training is not how we avoid uncertainty and fear, but how we relate to discomfort.  how do we practice with difficulty, with our emotions, with the unpredictable encounters of an ordinary day?"  (WOW!!!!!)

She shares the timid bird afraid to leave the nest analogy -- "We could do ourselves the ultimate favor and finally get out of that nest.  That this takes courage is obvious.  That we could use some helpful hints is also clear.  We may doubt that we're up to being warrior-in-training.  But we can ask ourselves this question:  'Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?'"  

Reminds me of the question LaoTzu posted.  

Powerful.  Stuff.  

Ooh I hate this feeling.  It's been awhile since it has settled in me........ pure restlessness.  A "stirring" of sorts - like my soul is crying out for change......... to do SOMETHING.   Or is it my ego.  Hmm... that would make a big difference.

Whatever it is, I feel it big time.  

I feel the need to write, write, write and connect... I just want to connect to SOMETHING.. SOMEONE... so that I am not just floating around in space -- lost.  Experience tells me this is when I need to breathe... get still.  But I don't want to quite yet.  I am sick of quiet and stillness and nothingness.  I want SOMETHINGNESS. 

I am alive, here on this earth - now.  I don't want to meditate myself out of experiencing THIS LIFE.  I want to laugh and dance and FEEL all the great things we get to feel as humans.  I want to DO all the great things we get to do as humans.  Even if that means making mistakes.  Falling.  Crashing.  

Kinda funny - yesterday I had the song "Losing my Religion" in my head all day and I can't explain why -- I haven't even heard it recently.  But it was in my head all day... "ah life... it's bigger....."  I don't even know what the song is about, to be honest.  But I kinda feel that way today... losing my religion -- no more seeking for answers - no more floaty feel good stuff.  (yeah, that's probably not at all what the song is about, but somehow that connection works for me in this moment.. lol)

So here I am frantically typing on my keyboard anyway -- hoping some answer will fall on my lap....... something to make me feel good...... something to make me strong.  Something to force me into forward motion.  

I know my soul is crying out -- I know it.  I am not living authentically and it's something I have got to stop already. I probably sound like a raging lunatic in this post........ I feel like it a little.  To be honest.  I am saying I want to give in and flow with feelings, yet there are some key emotions and feelings I KEEP resisting...... some key truths I KEEP trying to ignore, cover up, morph into something else.  It's exhausting.  It's sad.  

And that's all I got for tonight -- awareness.  I don't want to explore answers yet.  

I will get out of my mind into the body at kettlebell class --- that will be a welcome release.