Restlessness | awakeforthedance's Blog

Ooh I hate this feeling.  It's been awhile since it has settled in me........ pure restlessness.  A "stirring" of sorts - like my soul is crying out for change......... to do SOMETHING.   Or is it my ego.  Hmm... that would make a big difference.

Whatever it is, I feel it big time.  

I feel the need to write, write, write and connect... I just want to connect to SOMETHING.. SOMEONE... so that I am not just floating around in space -- lost.  Experience tells me this is when I need to breathe... get still.  But I don't want to quite yet.  I am sick of quiet and stillness and nothingness.  I want SOMETHINGNESS. 

I am alive, here on this earth - now.  I don't want to meditate myself out of experiencing THIS LIFE.  I want to laugh and dance and FEEL all the great things we get to feel as humans.  I want to DO all the great things we get to do as humans.  Even if that means making mistakes.  Falling.  Crashing.  

Kinda funny - yesterday I had the song "Losing my Religion" in my head all day and I can't explain why -- I haven't even heard it recently.  But it was in my head all day... "ah life... it's bigger....."  I don't even know what the song is about, to be honest.  But I kinda feel that way today... losing my religion -- no more seeking for answers - no more floaty feel good stuff.  (yeah, that's probably not at all what the song is about, but somehow that connection works for me in this moment.. lol)

So here I am frantically typing on my keyboard anyway -- hoping some answer will fall on my lap....... something to make me feel good...... something to make me strong.  Something to force me into forward motion.  

I know my soul is crying out -- I know it.  I am not living authentically and it's something I have got to stop already. I probably sound like a raging lunatic in this post........ I feel like it a little.  To be honest.  I am saying I want to give in and flow with feelings, yet there are some key emotions and feelings I KEEP resisting...... some key truths I KEEP trying to ignore, cover up, morph into something else.  It's exhausting.  It's sad.  

And that's all I got for tonight -- awareness.  I don't want to explore answers yet.  

I will get out of my mind into the body at kettlebell class --- that will be a welcome release.